Reading Cat
by solaria003
Summary: I'm Reading Cat, and I reveal hidden meanings of things you probably read or heard of... or not. Prepare for mind-blowing conclusions of your daily life, warriors: I am here, and I won't stop until I finish reading. And who am I? That's one secret I'll never tell. FULL SUMMARY INSIDE! READ IT, GIVE IT A SHOT!


_This is a Warrior Cats parody of Gossip Girl. Give it a shot: I took the secret identity idea from Gossip Girl, in rest everything there's different from the tv show. For who doesn't know what that is... Explanation down there._

 _I always wondered how would it be if the warriors actually read the book series. Pretty funny, huh? I saw there are a couple more fanfics like that, and I read them all, just to get an idea of what I should write._

 _And you would have to GUESS who it is! The catch is that I'll over-react with the worst (or best?) aspects of canon personalities to make it interesting. Or harder/easier to guess the character._

 _Also, my English is not the best, so if anybody sees any mistakes I would be grateful if you told me. Or if someone would like to help me with the spelling for every future chapter (if there's gonna be one: depends if you like it) please PM me!_

 _Okie dokie, then let's get into it! Don't forget: it's going to be weird and random (and funny, I hope) . The_ **bold** _writing is from the book: the rest is the commentaries._

 _DISCLAIMER: I don't own Jayfeather or the series. But I wish I did._

 _Also... SPOILERS, DUH! You can ask anything you want to about the fanfic, and bring in your own ideas! If it gets confusing, tell moi!_

* * *

 _ **Reading Cat**_

 _ **Prologue: Welcome to StarClan**_

StarClan is pawesome. Really, there isn't a better place to spend your eternal life after you die. You live forever in peace and you get whatever you want: also, spying on those that are alive down there is pretty fun, too (except the part when we have to 'talk' to them and send omens: we never actually say anything, because we're not allowed; though one day I swear I'll spill everything I know! ) ... but I'll NEVER admit it to anyone, so consider yourself lucky for such an honor!

I am honestly confessing you (is it even gramatically correct? they're just deets anyway) that I will show my true feelings in this story, my true colors, my true self, and you'll finally know the true me...

LOL I forgot to say (see, I've got some magnificent way of talking with you... Fox dung, did it sound too old?!) my name or anything about me (just the fact that my current residence is StarClan LOL and so many brackets LOL) .

Fine, I'll stop with my LOLs (I kind of overreacted with them:I promise I'll get better; with the brackets I'm not too sure though!) and FINALLY explain what I am trying to say.

Okay, so as I said in my little monologue up there (basically this whole thing is going to be a monologue) StarClan is like a blessing from... StarClan?! Ugh, you got the point; unfortunately, it sometimes gets kind of boring (all this routine!) and, well... That is one of those times! I'm BORED OF STARCLAN!

How can they survive this? I mean, I tried to do something different (we can get anything we want if we just ask) from eating and sleeping and hunting and talking and relaxing: I had a period of time when I couldn't get my paws of my PawPhone or laptop. Updating my social status was really important. Catbook, ClanTube, Stargram, Catumblr, Snapcat, Meowtter, you name it and I had an account on it! I still have the accounts, I just don't use them that much: my selfies are the most liked in the whole internet (life and death both). I GOT EVEN MORE THAN LIONBLAZE (that kiddo is seriously a selfie addict, but he's nothing compared to me when it comes to self-absorbtion, I SWEAR) and the record it's still not beaten by any cat!

MUAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAAAAHA! #IamsofreakingPAWESOME

*cough cough* Yeah, let's forget I ever did this. A little innocent accident. Stuff happens... BTW, I should check my Catbook!

Hmph, let's see... Graystripe's soap operas (AGAIN?!), Dovewing's horrible grammar (and cringy selfies) and Hollyleaf correcting it at every single post (nothing new here) and...

OMSC DOES LIONBLAZE HAVE MORE LIKES THAN I DO?

OMSC THIS IS THE END OF THE WORLD!

HOW AM I GOING TO EVEN LOOK AT ANYONE?! Hey, I didn't use any OMSC anymore!

Heh, just kidding. I'm sure y'all laughed at this (fine, none of you actually DID laugh but, as I said before... deets, deets, insignifiant deets!) .

NOW, I'll stop with the non-sense. Meh, I guess I'll check my Stargram later. The thing is that I needed a new thing to do again. I wanted something fresh. So,yeah, I just decided to start reading books... DON'T YOU DARE SAY IT'S BORING BECAUSE I WASN'T DONE WITH THE STORY YET! AND YOU KNOW BOOKS ARE GOOD FOR YOUR EDUCATION! I MEAN I'M OLD AND I'M READING WHILE BALANCING MY SOCIAL LIFE TOO!

*cough cough cough cough* Another accident. It happens... BUT I stand by what I said.

Anyway, I didn't decide to read some random book, but actual... WARRIORS BOOKS! I always wondered if there was such a thing and, suprisingly enough, it was! These twolegs actually wrote all the adventures cats went through under the name of 'Erin Hunter' (they're like 7 female twolegs or something around that) and I think there are over 30 books about us! So PAWESOME! And also kind of weird... But I always imagined how a book would look like if it was wrote in my POV: PAWESOME!

I originally wanted to start with the first series, but then I changed my opinion: how about the Super Editions?

I'll do them cronologically (I mean how they were launched for twolegs), so the first one would be...

FIRESTAR'S QUEST!

I will, however, not tell you who I am: you'll have to guess it! Sounds much more fun this way. I bet it's going to be easy for you: nothing more obvious that this!

OMSC, this feels so Gossip Girl right now! This is pawesome.

MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH! What? I needed to laugh like that...

OMSC, I should call myself Reading Cat! I'll post this on the internet so everybody can read it! *squeal* But not the part when I'm talking to other cats. Just my thinking and gossiping. That's like for you, fanfic readers, so you could get a full view on my life and get who I really am! With a little twist, of course.

* * *

Ooooh, first of all, nice cover! Though I really don't get the yellow on it. Couldn't it be dark blue or something, y'know like the sky when it's night? And heavy book; very heavy... BUT I've seen heavier stuff in my life like... um... Cloudtail/Graystripe or a pregnant Sandstorm! Sorry... NOT! (I'm going to mock everybody a lot... it's not like anybody can see this, right? It's safe on my laptop. )

Oh, wait. You can take the book out of the cover. I knew that... It's the dark night I wanted it to be! Pawesome. There's also Firestar on the cover. Yeah, like anybody cares; I knew I should have started with Bluestar's Prophecy!...

Let's see what is written inside the cover.

 **This is your task...** Really? I thought it was Firestar's. And it was a quest from what I remember (title, not me) . My one and only task is to read this book and mock cats I know to relieve some stress. My brain's packed with all this niceness, I think I should just become evil sometimes, because I could do evil stuff and not care about anything else than me and my power to rule the world... And also laugh maniacally like:

MUAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAAAAHA!

Ahem... Sorry for that. But I still envy Tigerstar in a weird way. I mean, he did whatever he liked and got away with it! That piece of foxdung...

Oh, wait, he's dead. Like twice. He doesn't exist anymore... Thank you StarClan! Actually, thank you Firestar! You can do something else than being annoying, too!

 **There is peace at last between the warrior Clans, and Firestar is proud of the strength and unity of the cats he leads in ThunderClan.** How sweet! He thinks cats respect him because they love being around him! He must've been so happy! I bet he still is now. Hmph.

 **All four clans are thriving, training new warriors** Sounds awesome, just like a fairytale... Boring. Just bring the war in already!

 **and keeping their boundaries without conflict.** I think this sentence was wrote just to annoy me. Cheesy!

 **But Firestar's dreams are haunted** His all freaking life has been haunted by weird dreams! Can you just let the poor tom sleep once? I feel so compasssionate right now... Okay, the moment is over. Moving on.

 **by wailing cats fleeing a terrible disaster.** SOOOOOOOOO surprising! Fireydaformerkittypetwhothinksbeingleaderbecauseoftheprophecyheneverunerstooduntilblueydiedandtoldhimissofreakingpawesomeandhetotalllydeservesit's going to save them? No way!

 **With unexpected help from an old kittypet friend,** No name then? Oooh, I wonder who it is? It's either Smudge, either Princess. Duh! ThunderClan becomes KittypetClan.

 **he discovers a shocking secret: StarClan, the warrior ancestors who guide his paw steps, have lied to him.** Please, StarClan lies to you all time. They just give prophecies and crap who's hard to understand, acting mysterious and never giving a damn! Oh, I'm actually StarClan now. I really just wish I could change this policy. It's stupid. Like Dustpelt or Darkstripe for example. Or them combined... Yuck, what?!

And StarClan never actually guide you, mousebrain! Most of us are taking popcorn when there's a fight, or a forbidden romance: just like Graystripe's soap operas. Who am I kidding, StarClan is so relaxed they act like they're watching a movie, not alive cats living a life. I don't take popcorn, though. I just go and sit in my kitchen, so I can eat anything peacefully and make popcorn for that lazy mousebrained cats who have no idea popcorn is free, so they pay me by giving me their stuff. Expensive one. See Mousefur for example, she's kinda senile.

 **Firestar is faced with the hardest decision of his life.** I truly believe you had harder choices to make. Or will have from that point, I don't know. Whatever.

 **Can he really turn his back on the forest** Yeah, totally! Go on an adventure while you're still young and alive!

 **that has become his home** Ah, how could I forget. The emotional factor.

 **and embark on a perilous quest to discover a dark truth** See, it's a quest after all! And also here comes the dangerous factor.

 **-one that has been buried beyond the memory of living cats? Whatever he finds at the end of his journey, he knows that nothing can ever be the same again.** Of course it will! Nobody will find out: just you and your mate will know, and this quest won't ever be mentioned again. Oh, wait, it was mentioned. In the first book of TAQ. Poor Alderpaw... I feel so bad for watching this from the kitchen again... But I read the book afterwards! pretty helpful if you ask me.

 **Allegiances** yay, so pawesome... NOT. Just boring cats I already know. The modern SkyClan and ancient Clans might be worth mentioning but... Meh, forget it. They only appear for the prologue anyway. And also, WTFD? ThunderClan has got like 30 cats and the rest of the Clans have go like 10... Ugh, life is so unfair! I bet if ShadowClan, WindClan and RiverClan merged into one clan they would have been just as many as ThunderClan. How are they even called Clans? I thought the Clans 'thrived' after the BloodClan fiasco. Shouldn't they have like tons of warriors?

Conclusion: after the battle against BloodClan (as much as a Clan that is) , ThunderClan didn't lose many warriors in comparision with the other Clans, which lost like kinda half of their population. If Firestar led the Clans in the battle, it doesn't mean his warriors are better than the other warriors. Haredung, I feel awful right now. After all, I'm from ThunderClan. Kinda?

Bleargh, this thing totally disgusted me. I need a break. I'll start with the prologue later... After I eat some pizza and take selfies while working out. Ladies love it. *wink* In fact, I'll just take one right now. *snap* Hmmmm, maybe it looks better with Valencia than with XX Pro? Ugh, screw it. #NoFilter , I'm pretty hungry.

"Hi, dude! We're playing cards! Wanna come?" Why is he always barging in? His mother didn't taught him any good manners? Oh, wait, he's mother is just another piece of foxdung: she named her own son Crookedkit; I mean, WTFD is wrong with some cats? If they get permanently hurt you don't freaking change their names. They're still the same cats. Or if they have health problems, is it really necessary to name them Lostface or Deadfoot? This leaders are just idiots sometimes...

"Oakheart, I thought I told you to knock before getting in. I'm a busy cat." Thanks, Oakfart! I just acomplished another life goal: a full eye roll.

"Yeah, I see. With selfies, I suppose." Oakfart laughs "There's food too. A lot, like always."

"So what? Think I never saw food before?" Another full eye roll. I am truly pawesome.

"You seem hungry to me!" My stomach growled. Oakfart laughs again: I roll my eyes for the third time.

"Whatever, but who is playing with us?" I finally give in, bored. Plus, socializing would be nice.

"Well, it's you, me, Leoparstar, Crookedstar, Bluestar, practically everyone I think."

"You think?" I say, a scowl forming on my face. "Just if it's poker."

"There will be poker, too, but we gotta play something other cats can win at."

"I don't play so others win, Oakheart, I play so I can win." I'm giving him a death glare. Hope he gets it.

"Yes, of course, that's just obvious!" he answers, walking a few steps back. Good. "But it's going to be fun!"

"Okay, fine. Just let me check my Stargram."

"Oh, no need. I checked it. 800 likes already!" Oakfart smiles. "In only 5 minutes... How do you do it?"

"That's one secret I'll never tell."

"Eh, I really hoped you could tell me a trick. Like how to take the selfie or something..." he pouts, looking at me. "Meanie."

"You know you love me." I say with a grin on my face.

Oakfart's jaw dropped to the floor. He started getting closer and stared at me, like really suspicious.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, YOU ARE GOSSIP GIRL!" Ugh, and you are oficially one of the biggest mousebrains I ever met. "I MEAN YOU WEREN'T EVEN IN THE SHOW!"

"It's Humphrey, you mousebrain." Forth eye roll. And here I thought he's getting smarter if he hangs out with me... Ooops, I didn't. But Bluestar did. She thinks he's becoming insuportably stupid.

"WHAT? HOW? WHY?" Oakfart looked at me like he was about to cry. "NoOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!..." he started crying and stormed out of the room.

Meh, he probably didn't watch the season finale. I don't get it, it was like 4 years ago or something. He'll probably just go through a crying crisis, eating marshmallows and crying again. Or not moving at all, like Leafpool did. She was so shocked she couldn't move. Thank StarClan for Jayfeather being a medicine cat too, to keep her place. I had to go down and hug her so she would move again. When I came back, they decided to take down my Wi-Fi for a moon; luck's on me, I have my own internet connection on my phone! They didn't block that too, probably StarClan forgot I have it. Still, Oakfart should've been updated on the identity of Gossip Girl, since 4 years have passed, so... Not my problem: it's Bluestar's, even though we know she'll blame it on me. In case Oakfart speaks, of course.

"Hey, poker err, cards game still on?" I yell after him. No answer. I'll take it as an yes. I'm going anyway, they can't stop me. I'm too pawesome for them.

Before I go, I'm checking my Stargram. 2002 likes. Hmm, it could be better. Should I take it down? 2003. I wonder who liked it...

Wait, pause, Tigerstar just liked my selfie. What a creep. Pause again, isn't he like not existing anymore? Perhaps it's a fake account? Yes, of course. There's no other explanation. I wonder who would like to be Tigerstar, anyway, in Stargram or out the social networks. Me sometimes, I guess... Wait, what?! Stupid keyboard.

* * *

 _If it gets confusing, the things other cats know are just the book commentaries. And some of the other insults I choose to bring up again in later chapters. Yay! I'll have next chapter other cats reactions to the Reading Cat blogging. Maybe..._

 _What do you think? If one person likes it, I'm going on with it!_

 _Try guessing who is Reading Cat, too. If you're right, I'll PM you. If you're a guest... Well, make an account or something. Or no! I have a better idea. When I finish the story, I'll say who guessed Reading Cat's identity._

 _Basically... This is a Warrior Cats parody of Gossip Girl. But just with books, and information they all have access to. I repeated this so there would be no confusion._

 _Also, I made a reference to one song which randomly popped in my head. RANDOMNESS IS AWESOME!_

 _And also dinosaurs. I love dinos!_

 _FEEL FREE TO ASK ANY QUESTIONS!_ _REVIEW PLEASE! R &R IS VITAL!_

 _-solaria003-_


End file.
